Managing and Dealing with an Aggressive Boss

by Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

It is tough having to deal with someone who abuses you. Moreover, it is more difficult to deal with, and manage a person, like a boss or supervisor, that has authoritative power over you. Someone that is in a position like your boss can trick you into a destructive way of behaving where you undermine your wellbeing from fear of repercussions when you address the issue.

If the verbal and other forms of mental abuse begin to get really serious and even approach physical abuse, the issue can become a legal concern. I have heard that people are trying to pass legislation in an American state that disallows workplace abuse. However, unfortunately nearly all laws do not take into account verbal workplace conflict so you have got to learn how to handle bullies by yourself for your own happiness and wellbeing.

Most people who lack the communication skills to deal with a bad boss either:

• Endure the bullying. They endure the bullying boss and intimidation. These people may have little self-respect or lack assertion skills. They may think their job is put at risk if they address their boss about the problem.
• Bully the bully. These people face their boss by reciprocating their boss’ aggression. It is quite common for the problem to then intensify as the two individuals yell at one another in intensifying conflict.

First Common Reaction: Endure the Bullying

This reaction to a bullying boss is a passive response. You forgo your own person needs while your boss tramples over you. The absolute last thing you want to do when being abused by anyone is accept the abuse.

You must address the issue in the correct manner otherwise your confidence, happiness, and in this situation, your work will suffer. People who receive aggressive behavior that is not correctly handled have been known to develop serious health problems such as strokes, heart attacks, suicide, migraines, escalated stress levels, insomnia, and terrifying nightmares. One person who will remain anonymous often dreamed her boss pointing a gun at employees so they would complete their work.

The most common reason for accepting intimidation from others is the fear of repercussions if you stick up for yourself. In a work situation, and especially with someone who has authoritative power, you probably do not defend yourself in fear of losing your job. This fear I believe is real because when most people stick up for themselves, they do so in an aggressive manner causing negative results (which you’ll soon see more about below).

These passive people forgo their own needs and get dominated by others. They live in massive amounts of frustration as their anger is bottled inside of themselves. They do not have the effective communication skills to address the problem as they think they must accept what happens and live with the intimidation hoping the abusive person stops bullying. The end result is a win for the bully and a loss for the passive person.

Second Common Reaction: Bully the Bully

The second common reaction to facing a bully is aggression. People who respond aggressively are willing to defend themselves and usually have more confidence than those who respond passively. They often see that in order to get what they want, they must retaliate. It becomes fire against fire. A fight starts as the two individuals take to a verbal boxing ring mentally beating out each other’s minds.

People may become aggressive for several reasons:

• They were abused by their parents at an early age and placed under emotional trauma.
• They are mentally ill. I’m not jokingly referring to a mental illness, but someone who has a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or a personality disorder.
• They think the only way to stop someone else’s abusive behavior is to reciprocate the abuse.
• The aggression is a release of anger often caused from responding passively like the first situation. This type of behavior is otherwise known as “passive-aggressive behavior” where the person is frequently passive but randomly explodes their frustration and anger onto others. After the occasional and often unexpected outburst, the person sinks back to his/her passive behavior.
• The person is in an emotionally high pressure environment which leads to aggression. This type of aggressive behavior is common in work environments where individuals are placed under high-loads of stress.
• The aggressive individual may try to prove his superiority, toughness, control, discipline, or results-focus to others through aggressive behavior.

While aggression in the workplace may create the necessary level of productivity, it is strongly related to a high turnover rate, said to be an average of 1.5 years, and other commitment problems. Employees fake sick days, become miserable, sabotage their own work, and lose passion for their work. It can create unproductive employees as they “hide” by staying under the radar, seeking to comply, while do nothing that stands out that could potentially bring them attention. The aggressive communication being exchanged between two people becomes a loss for both individuals.

A Third Rare Action: Assertive Communication with the Boss

The first common reaction was a passive response. The second common reaction was an aggressive response. There is a response between these two common reactions known as “assertiveness” which produces a win-win response. Assertiveness is the secret you need to face an abusive boss.

Depending on the situation, occasional aggressive behavior can be definitely welcomed. In order for the aggressive behavior to be successful it must be expressed appropriately and constructively. You could even say this constructive type of aggression is like assertive communication because the end-result is a win for each party.

Where passive communication fails to respect yourself and aggressive communication fails to respect the other person, assertive communication respects both individuals. There are several assertive communication techniques you can use to stop the bullying, stop your fear, build your self-confidence, and create a nice working relationship with your boss. This is the power of assertive skills. Below I’ll share some techniques with you that are useful for the specific situation of facing an aggressive boss.

A Step-by-Step Approach with Techniques to Cure a Bad Boss

Before approaching your boss about the problem, ask yourself: “What can I change in my behavior to solve the aggression?” What you are doing here is “owning your behavior” and not blaming your boss for what you have control over. It creates personal responsibility and helps prevent you from blaming your problems on your boss. Sometimes analyzing yourself and solving the problem may actually stop the aggression because you may discover that you are a part of the problem.

Additionally, before approaching your boss, think about what you want to say and how you can solve the problem. Doing this helps you prepare to make the conversation a productive one. Though you may come up with solutions while preparing for the conversation, do remain flexible and be able to adjust your behavior to satisfy your boss. A willingness to compromise is what assertiveness is about.

When you approach your boss, you need to be calm and responsive. Being calm is not enough because it can show ignorance and increase aggression. Not being responsive hurts empathy and hurts diffusing an aggressive person’s emotions. You do not want to ignore an angry boss!

Once you are calm yet responsive, you will remove your aggressive communication. When you remove your aggression, you will reduce your boss’ aggressive communication because the two of you are no longer in a destructive cycle of anger. Fire needs some sort of fuel to stay alight. By keeping calm yet remaining responsive, you remove the psychological fuel needed to keep your boss’ aggressive fire burning.

Have the right mindset of resolving the problem at hand. When faced with a difficult person, it is easy think that you are right. But guess what? Your boss also thinks he is right! This is why conflict can be so difficult to solve. Acknowledge that you may need to compromise yourself to progress forward with this problem. Drop your pride and be the first one to step forward towards problem resolution.

Now that you have learned these techniques, it is time to approach your boss. You need to find the best time to address your boss. Do not try and solve this problem in an intense emotional situation. You may need to wait till the end of the day, or even the end of the week, until you believe the boss is approachable.

As you address your boss, the best thing you can do is ask for his opinion and point of view on the matter. If he is not aware of his aggression, you will need to bring up a specific situation where he became aggressive. Telling a person who is not aware of, or unwilling to acknowledge their aggressive behavior, a specific time where he or she became aggressive is an excellent technique for changing behavior.

When you firstly ask for a person’s point of view, instead of blurting out what you think and feel about the situation, you build your persuasive ability from your newfound perception. By seeing things through their perception, you may see a whole new side to the story. Asking for your boss’ point of view will help you understand, and even help, your boss understand why he is aggressive. Your boss will begin to feel understood by you when you actively listen which can lead to a tonne of great things. By practicing good listening skills, you are using the secret of persuasion.

After your boss has made suggestions, you can begin to give your ideas to solve the problem. Keep calm and stay focused on resolving the problem. Ask for your boss’ feedback as you suggest ideas. You are making it a joint solution which will give both of you a greater level of satisfaction. A mutual solution is always followed through by both parties more consistently than a solution forced upon one person.

As you are talking, take note of the positive points your boss does show in his behavior and compliment him on these. You are attempting to keep the conversation positive as solving a problem can seem negative even though it is actually good that you are trying to remove the problem.

Using these techniques to communicate assertively will reduce your boss’ aggressive behavior. You will no longer have an unproductive and unhappy working relationship. You will develop a more productive, and possibly joyful, working relationship for your own good and your organization’s good.

If none of these techniques work, and provided you have talked with others about the problem and really tried to stop your boss from being aggressive, you need ask yourself: “What’s more valuable to me: my happiness or my work?” Without knowing your exact situation, your happiness will be more valuable. If your boss continues to treat you poorly, you must have the courage to respect yourself, stand up for your wellbeing, and solve the problem. And if solving the problem means quitting your job because of an awful boss, so be it.

Work is a task that many people hate for 40 years of their life. Just saying the word “work” brings up negative feelings and pictures in people’s minds. You don’t need an aggressive boss to make work any less enjoyable than it can be. Your happiness is more important. Value yourself and do something about your aggressive boss the next time you go to work.

(The techniques presented in this article have been adapted from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. This program is revolutionary way of charismatically changing people’s minds – even in difficult situations such as a cruel boss.)

About the Author

Joshua Uebergang, aka "Tower of Power", is a young communication skills coach, author, and owner of Tower of Power. Visit his blog and sign-up free to get communication techniques, relationship-boosting strategies, and life-building tips by email, along with blog updates, and more! Go now to http://www.towerofpower.com.au.